borrowed time

I am sure some of you have been concerned, and I thank you for that. I appreciate all the calls and the emails I have been getting, and I am sorry for not responding earlier. To tell you the truth, there are several reasons why I haven't written sooner. At first, I was extremely hesitant to write because I was feeling so good. When you have been living with something this huge for so long, there are times when you just want to forget about it if you can. The plasma exchanges worked very well, and I stayed healthy (as long as I got enough rest and took naps everyday) for quite a few weeks. Both Jason and I felt like we were living on borrowed time. We couldn't believe that things were going so well, and we were both holding our breath waiting for the bottom to fall out. We have been through this cycle quite a few times, and things have always fallen apart, eventually. So we don't have much trust in medicines or long term remissions. No matter how positive I come across, I guess this gets to the meat of it. When I am feeling good, I am just waiting to feel terrible all over again. To scare my family, to feel helpless. To feel like a sick person all over again.